To Settle?

 My birthday will be in exactly a month and 2 days. I'll be turning 23. A year older, and definitely a year wiser. My birthday weekend will be bitter-sweet; I'm already planning a celebration, but I'm also going to celebrate an anniversary. This upcoming birthday will mark 3 years of me being unofficially single. 

 The first few months were depressing. The year after was the best, and the last few months have been fun, a tad too much. I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to settle down though; I'm tired of not having a guy to ask me about my day or introduce me to something new. Tired of coming home at 2-3-4 in the morning, and not receiving a text/call asking where I am. Sure, it's easy to get out there, but that's not really my problem. My problem is that there are a bunch of clean-cut guys out there with their lives planned out, which is grand, but that's not the type of guy I want.

 I want a Rock n'Roll boyfriend, a guy in tight jeans, who's a wreck and will not be afraid to put our lives in danger. I'm looking for a thrill, a specific type of thrill. It's hard to be excited about a guy when every gay around is into Lady Gaga, refers to themselves as a "little monster", and wants to keep up with the latest fashions. I want a guy that's into cock: CockSparrer, Cockney Rejects, and/or the Buzzcocks. I said "Rock n'Roll" but I think I mean punk. I want a punk boyfriend. Unfortunately for me, most of the gay punks are anarcho punks, and I can't stand anarcho, so what's a boy to do? Am I being too picky? Should I settle for less? The perfect guy is not around, I've travelled in many circles, from San Bernandino to the San Fernando Valley, and everything in between, and zip, nada. 

As I'm getting older, should my standards get higher? Am I really getting wiser if my taste in guys remain the same? I'm getting confused, and lonelier by the second. I don't want to change my type, and I don't want to give a "monster" a try. I gave someone who wasn't my type a chance awhile ago, and that only lasted 2 days.  I'll just settle on being alone, and let "Prince Charming" come to me. Irregardless, in the past, I've never had a  problem waiting for a guy to come.

Wound Up

I started making out with this guy, and I didn't even know why since he wasn't typically my type. He was taller than me though, and I wanted someone to cuddle with, and I also was really drunk. At first he didn't let me kiss him, but that all changed once we got in the car. The way he kissed me, and the way he held me, it reminded me of someone that I used to care about, and I believe that's why I didn't stop him. He kept on flattering me with cute words like "I would tear you apart, trust," and "damn, your ass is out of this world." I hadn't felt so attractive in a long time. I felt special. We proceeded to make out by some bushes, and he started going to 2nd base. A couple passed by and some drunk girl started to cheer us on. We stopped. Unfortunately for me, we had to separate because we had to go home. I wanted to keep on making out with him, and he wanted to spend the night with me, but I didn't let him because my dad always freaks the fuck out when guys sleep over. A higher force must have been on my side because the morning after I found out he had a boyfriend. That explained why he told me not to leave him any marks while I kissed his neck. I felt disappointed. I felt fooled. I can't never really get what I want. Or something I don't.

Drunk

Okay, so I'm over the last boy I wrote about. He's cute, but that's it. I found out he has a girlfriend, and I'm done with guys with girlfriends. Second of all, I said that if I ever were to mess around with him, I would have to do it with his shirt on. There I went with lowering my standards again.


Yesterday, I came across this beautiful boy. Just my type. Light skinned, taller than me, medium length brown hair. He was wearing a white shirt, these slim black jeans, and black Doc Martens! It's like I had hit the jackpot. I was too shy to approach him; when it comes to meeting guys, I'm always shy. I asked my friend to go up to him and tell him I said, "What's up?" So ghetto. So high school. He replied with "I'm a big ladies fan, but thanks anyway." Usually I would be heartbroken over the rejection, but this time I was nonchalant about it. I was proud for at least trying, but if it didn't happen, then it didn't happen for a reason. That day I got some news that made me even happier than any guy could. I even enjoyed an awesome Big Mac by myself at the bus stop. At least I'm progressing with the idea of being alone. Or I'm getting better at fooling myself.


I'm trying to stop drinking. Drinking leads to bad decision making, but being sober is so boring. Although, I'd rather be bored than to put myself in dangerous situations. Or embarrassing ones. It's funny because on Saturday, at the bar, there was a thin, tall, clueless, drunk girl dancing all crazy. She reminded me of Squidward dancing, it was pretty sad. Everyone was making fun of her. Surprisingly, her boyfriend was there with her, seemingly embarrassed to be associated to be with her. My friend Pris, and I, kept at staring at him because he was attractive. He came and sat down next to us and he asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" At first it seemed as if he was trying to flirt, but then he wouldn't stop asking that question. What did he expect her to say? He turned out to be a big douche, which rid him of his attractiveness. We saw the couple fighting outside of the bar afterwards. How sad it looked like to be that girl.


I remember a few years ago, I went to this event in Little Tokyo, and it was one of my favourite places to go to. That place would always get packed, and there was usually a sea of attractive boys there. It was during my fake id days. I went inside to the indoor dance area, and there I saw something I hadn't seen before. A girl fucking a guy in front of everyone. It wasn't a sex show, this was drunk, public sex. People surrounded the couple and they were taking pictures. The girl was obviously too drunk to shoo anyone away. The show got boring so I headed outside. An hour later, I see the girl being dragged away by her girlfriends. I felt bad for her. That's one of the reasons I'm trying to stop drinking. I don't want to end up being "that girl." I know I talk like her, but I'm not her. Some of the situations I've gotten myself into end up in regret, but luckily there was no one there to take pictures.