It’s been a long while since I’ve sat down and written. I had stopped because my blogs would interfere with my personal life, and it became a burden, but lately I’ve decided that I shouldn’t give a shit, because I have never lied, nor will I ever lie, about anything.
So I recently come to the sad conclusion that perhaps I am a cougar. This all started a few weeks ago, but I came to the conclusion last night. I’ve been really getting tired of hanging out with my circle of friends. Everything has become so routine, and at the end I get nothing out of it. Drugs and alcohol can be fun for so long, but it’s time to stop. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired about worrying about others who don’t care about me. Thursday night came along, and I got an invitation to go to the L.A. Artwalk. It was alright, a bunch of pretty faces that you admire from a distance. Then I got an invitation to a slumber party with people I go to school with. I’ve never partied with them before and I realized that new people might bring new fun, so I went along. As soon as I arrived, my friends greeted me with shots. We go to the basement (Yes, they have a basement) and we start drinking some more. I was interested in my friends gay brother, but he was there with his boyfriend, so he had to get crossed off my list. I’m trying this thing where I don’t want to mess with someone who is taken, whether it be by a boy, or a girl. What’s the point? They’ll never leave them nor care for you as much as they care for them.
My friends were all making out with each other, or attempting to, and the only one left was this Shrek-like character. “So we’re the only ones left,” he said. I gave an awkward smile, hoping to keep things that way. I just kept on drinking, since alcohol was clearly my only option that night. Then this 18-going-on-19 year old, who was making out with my (girl)friend said, “Anderson, come here and kiss me!” I didn’t know if he was joking, but I wanted some action so I went in, but he pulled back and said “Just kidding.” You have no idea how many times that sad joke has been pulled on me. You also have no idea how many times I end up making out with the guy who pulls that joke after. I poured myself a drink of Bacardi, he pulls it out of my hand and chugs it. It was a disgusting sight. He gets up and goes outside to go throw up, then he comes back in and passes out by me. So this ugly Shrek-like thing goes up to the 18 year old and tries to do things with him. 18 then hugs me and tells everybody, “Leave me alone, I’m only gay for Anderson tonight, but only because I go to school with him!” He hugged me for a good while, and it felt good. I always thought he was cute but I never really thought about doing things with him, after all, I’m trying to leave that part of my life behind. Shrek still kept on going after him and I was like “Leave him alone! He’s mine for the night!” It felt good to have a little boyfriend for the night, since I haven’t had an actual boyfriend for 2 and a half years now.
So we had to take 18 to bed because he was too drunk, and we lay him down, and the girl he was making out with previously, was laying down next to him. I knew they were just friends, so I wasn’t jealous or anything, plus she’s no competition. She could have him if she wants, I just think he’s cute and that’s it. He wanted to go back outside but we kept on saying “No”. I was standing on the side of the bed, and then he’s like “Andy, come lay down next to me” then he grabs my hand and pulls me on top of him. I lay down next to him, and he starts hugging me again, and it felt so fucking good! I haven’t cuddled like that with a guy in a long ass time. Next thing you know, Shrek comes along, and tries to grab his dick, while I’m right there next to him. I put my leg on top of his crotch and I told the scavenger, “Hey leave him alone! I said he’s with me” to which he says, “I just want to have fun!” Luckily he walked away after; he got the hint. It was time to go to sleep, and he passed out on the floor. I wanted to sleep with him but I wanted to sleep on the bed, which thinking about it, I should have slept on the floor because my friends were getting it on right next to me. I prayed to Jesus (no I didn’t) to not let me do anything stupid, such as get on the floor, and get on top of 18, and thankfully I didn’t. I like that I’m learning how to control my urges.
The morning was beautiful, I woke up to rain fall, and the couple that had slept next to me was gone. 18 woke up and got in bed with me, and we started talking. It was a really nice conversation. He started telling me about how he hates homophobia and how there’s this one guy in our class who was talking about me behind my back and how he stuck up for me. I was so flattered by it, I wanted to kiss him, but I’m not the one to pursue the first move. I started talking about my experiences with homophobes, but it was a little too emotional, and I wanted to secretly cry, so I moved my head to the opposite direction and pretended to fall asleep. Later on, he told me he was cold and that I should hug him, but I told him he should hug me. We only hugged for a little bit. It felt nice.
I try to go for older guys, but I believe this is the youngest guy I’ve ever felt something for, and the wisest. He can be immature, but the morning talk we had showed a lot of substance, which was like an awakening, a certain difference from the pack of losers I’ve messed with. I felt like I was sixteen again. I felt happy. The only problem is that I don’t know how he’ll act on Monday when I see him, and whether or not to pursue something since he does label himself as “straight”.
