The Curse

 I went to this place out of frustration. My friend had freaked out on ‘shrooms, and I needed to be out with people who were calmer and willing to keep going on. So I ended up at this place and I was informed that this boy was going to be there. I didn't know how to react, I was secretly ecstatic but I kept my composure. The thing is, I had given this boy something special a few days ago, and I was hoping he’d be appreciative, or at least give me some cute remarks. “Keep it together!” He finally showed up, but that was it, nothing special. All I got was a type of greeting you give someone you've met before but aren't familiar with. “Keep it together!” I sat down by myself, and kept on drinking to make me feel better about myself and I knew I was about to reach the point of no return. There wasn't really anything I wanted to return to. So this boy comes and sits next to me and I get all giddy and happy, but the conversation wasn't going anywhere and he still hadn't asked about how I had been doing. It was a 2 minute conversation cut short by him maneuvering his attention to someone else. I sat there waiting for him to start talking to me but he didn't  I walked out, frustrated. I sat somewhere else, and this other boy who I had been ignoring showed up and he started talking to me, and I didn't really give a fuck about what he had to say and I kept on staring at his face trying to figure out what he was on because he was definitely on something. I was going to use him to get the other boy jealous and I walked with him to where the other boy was hoping he’d get jealous. I lost the other boy and I just remember that I hated myself for playing these dumb games, for actually giving a fuck. At the end of it all, I felt like a fucking loser, and I kept on thinking about how I wanted to kill myself. Okay not kill myself, but kill the emotions within me, for not listening to everyone else when they told me that he wasn't worth it and that I could do better. So we all were leaving together and the other boy I didn't give a shit about comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me to hit him up whenever and I nodded, meanwhile the boy I did give a shit about stood behind me the whole time. I walked to the car all angry and I just stayed quiet, and I remember that this boy’s friend kept on trying to put his arm around me and I was getting annoyed and I was just like why the fuck is everyone around him trying to fuck me except him?! I always assumed I was somewhat special to him but I guess I wasn't and I hated myself for that.

TRASH

I wanted to start out by showing you a few of my purchases that I am very happy about!

 Sex Pistols shirt

 Leopard Print Shirt (matches my background!)

Lemmy from Motorhead shirt!

 Okay so my Sunday was pretty interesting. My friends dragged me to.....I don't know what it was....was it a fundraiser? A final goodbye? I'm not sure, but Henry's Tacos, on Studio City, were having an event to #SaveHenrysTacos, and my homegirls wanted to go because the guy from Breaking Bad was going to be there, and he was promoting this event. I agreed to go because I have no life, and I enjoy the homegirls company, but when I got there I got the surprise of my life. My boyfriend (in-my-head) Elijah Wood was there!! I got a picture with him and there are so many other things I wanted to do to him but the crowd was way too big and they were pissing me off (Girl with Blink-182 X-mas sweater, I'm looking at you). Then, I had to wait in line for 2 hours to finally purchase a meal. I ordered a burger, which was tiny, and the soda was also too small. Hello! We're Americans! We like everything big! My homegirls got burritos which looked like the less appetizing version of the 99 cent burritos from Taco Bell. I don't wanna come off as insensitive because I support small businesses, but maybe it was a good thing that they're going out of business? Plus they're located in the Valley. Me + Valley = NO! Oh well, at least we got to meet cute famous guys and encounter a plethora of interesting people.

Follow the homegirl on Twitter/Instagram: suicidepink (She's very talented!)

My man Elijah, looking sexy as fuck. His eyes are better in person, trust! And he's around my height! We'd be the perfect couple! Elijah, boo, marry me?!

 Before I go, I wanted to write about change. Lately, I've had all this time to think and evaluate. We're approaching the end of the year, and what a better time to end bullshit friendships, am I right? I'm tired of being taken an advantage off, and it's time for me to grow and be selfish. I've cared for people who could give a shit about me and only use me when they need something. Giving a fuck prevented me from pursuing other friendships and relationships. Being too accessible and caring is my weakness, but now it's time to turn that around. In all honesty, I think I just wanted an excuse to use this .gif. (to everyone who used me....)

The Crowd

 If you know me, you know that I love Sex and the City, and that I relate to Carrie Bradshaw in so many levels, as do many other single women/gays out there. I know, I'm a cliché! Lately I've been feeling very depressed, and I've been questioning so many things and I got reminded of when Carrie went to Paris and she had the worst time ever. I'm going to explain it to you in 5 parts, but first here's the video:

Part 1: Carrie is eating alone because Aleksander Petroskvy had to work on his art installations, I believe. This is one of the greatest scenes the show has ever created. She sits alone, with all these pastries and a cigarette on hand. The only contact she has is with this big dog, and that sets the mood to show you how lonely she will get throughout the day. Even though I'm an L.A. native, it's not hard to feel so foreign around here, and you'll never know true loneliness until you go out to have a meal by yourself. There are days where I don't hear from anyone, but that doesn't keep me home.

Part 2: Carrie is walking in the street and this random girl bops her in the head and sticks her tongue out at her. Okay, I'll say it, kids are the biggest fucking assholes out there. You have no idea how many times I've gone out and had kids fucking stare at me like I'm some sort of weird creature. Why don't their parents tell them anything? What about the golden rule of not staring at others? This infuriates me a lot! When I was a kid I was very polite, and if I saw someone strange I kept any comments to myself. "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all." I remember walking next to the elementary Catholic school across my dwelling and I heard a 7 year old boy ask his friend, "is that a boy or a girl?" Why did they care? Done.

Part 3: Suddenly after that happens, she steps on dog shit. My life is a minefield of dog shit, figuratively off course; if it's not one thing, it's another. In this scene, some random guy passes by and just looks at her and puts his hands up, like what did that do? That didn't help at all! It's like a few days ago, I was hanging out with a 'friend' and she kept on telling me all her problems. I always try to offer advice so I was hoping for the same when I told her about my problem. Her response: "that sucks." Next thing you know, it was back to her. I have feelings too! Why doesn't anyone help me wipe my shoes off?

Part 4: There's a random guy on a boat and he waves at her from afar; he seems very enthusiastic. There are many ways to interpret this scene honestly, but the way I took it was that this guy found her attractive and took a liking to her, which explains the way he's reacting. She waves back but you can tell she's still sad over everything else that has happened. That's me! Have you ever had a stranger try to talk to you, or cheer you up, but you remain oblivious to it because why should you care that some random is trying to distract, or appease you, when they know nothing of what's going on in your life? And it's always someone who you don't even want to get to know! Ugh, Carrie, I feel for you!

Part 5: She's at the hotel, Aleksander, the man she's in love with, shows up and everything's suppose to be alright, but she pretends to be asleep. At the end of the day, she has what she had wanted for a long time, a boyfriend, Paris, the works, but why isn't she happy? Can one ever be satisfied? I don't have a lot of friends, but I enjoy the ones I have, I don't have a boyfriend, but I don't want a boyfriend, so what is wrong with me? Why am I not happy? I would always say, "Life is complicated, but it doesn't have to be" so why am I making it?

My final note is going to end with the little girl that bopped Carrie's head; what was that bitches problem? Really, what was her fucking problem? Some people don't know what's going on in other people's lives but they feel the need to comment or act upon it! Why didn't that little bitch just mind her own business? Why did she have to bop Carrie's head? Why did she have to end it with sticking her tongue out? Adding insult to injury! Are people jealous of me? These are the questions that we will never know the answers too.

NEW

I haven't posted anything in awhile, and for that I apologize, but I will try to keep on updating my blog that I do love. I'm going to be posting more about materialistic things, rather than personal, just because there are some things that need to be kept private. Anywho..... all I want for Christmas are these shoes (or money)....

So if 74 of my friends gave me 5$, I'd have enough to buy them, but I don't have 74 friends. If 18.5 friends gave me 20$, I'd have enough but I don't think I even have 18.5 friends. Anyone want to contribute to the Captain Save-A-Hoe foundation?

The Prom King

 It was the second Thursday of August, and everyone knows that on the second Thursday of any month everyone will be at the Art Walk in Downtown LA. So there I went, with my friend Jen. We walked around, and saw nothing special. Cops guarded every corner of the street to prevent a repeat protest like the one that had happened on September, where all of 5th spring was closed off, and you would have to go around 3rd street to get around. A protest would have made the night more fun. We kept on walking until I got a phone call from another friend who wanted to meet up. Jen and I stood waiting next to the Crocker Club, waiting until my friend finally showed up. With her, were 3 other people, but I'm only going to focus on one.

I had met him 2 months ago, on a dull Saturday night that I had planned to spend at home. I was saved and picked up and went to some small, ratty apartment in a dangerous nearby area where I knew I was going to detest everyone I was about to encounter. There, he was introduced to me. He looked at me up and down and I suspected he was judging me. He was probably some meathead football player in high school who goes to church every Sunday and has never befriended anyone like me. There I stood wearing tight jeans, a band shirt, and my black cowboy boots. He kept on glancing at me, and I texted my friend, who was sitting next to me that "I'm oddly attracted to your friend." She texted me back, "That's weird you would say that because he came out to me not so long ago." A-ha! So he was gay! I asked more about him, and I forgot most of what I was told, but I do remember that he was the prom king at his prom. The same prom that had a lesbian prom queen. Later on that night, the poor boy asked an innocent question and I went off on him. I should have understood that he had just came out and he didn't know any better, but my temper got the best of me. I did try to make things better but he was too drunk to care, or notice. I figured I would never see him again.

Back to Thursday. He saw me, smiled, and said hi. I told him, "I remember you" and he said, "I do too, but I forgot your name." Strike 1. We all went to try to find a hidden spot for my group of friends who wanted to get stoned. I saw him partake in a spliff and for me that was Strike 2. He would talk to me but I didn't know if he was flirting with me or just being friendly, which I found extremely tedious. I want to lie and say I find him annoying, which is true, I do find him somewhat annoying, but I'm also really attracted to him. Maybe it's his innocence, although I suspect he's not that innocent. At the end of the night, he asked where I lived and I told him my cross streets. He said he lived near me, and he then told me his cross streets, which is just a 7 minute walk away from me. Near. He then asked how come we're not friends, and went off on giving answers, "it's cause you hate me, it's cause I'm gay," all hypothetical answers that were meant to be funny. Problem is, they weren't. Strike 3. With all these strikes, I started thinking about what my problem was? Why was I being so cynical? I should give the guy a chance, even if it's just for the friendship. Maybe he was nervous? I don't know, but what I do know is that I really want to make out with him. I've never made it with a prom king before, but the idea of it really turns me on.

To Settle?

 My birthday will be in exactly a month and 2 days. I'll be turning 23. A year older, and definitely a year wiser. My birthday weekend will be bitter-sweet; I'm already planning a celebration, but I'm also going to celebrate an anniversary. This upcoming birthday will mark 3 years of me being unofficially single. 

 The first few months were depressing. The year after was the best, and the last few months have been fun, a tad too much. I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to settle down though; I'm tired of not having a guy to ask me about my day or introduce me to something new. Tired of coming home at 2-3-4 in the morning, and not receiving a text/call asking where I am. Sure, it's easy to get out there, but that's not really my problem. My problem is that there are a bunch of clean-cut guys out there with their lives planned out, which is grand, but that's not the type of guy I want.

 I want a Rock n'Roll boyfriend, a guy in tight jeans, who's a wreck and will not be afraid to put our lives in danger. I'm looking for a thrill, a specific type of thrill. It's hard to be excited about a guy when every gay around is into Lady Gaga, refers to themselves as a "little monster", and wants to keep up with the latest fashions. I want a guy that's into cock: CockSparrer, Cockney Rejects, and/or the Buzzcocks. I said "Rock n'Roll" but I think I mean punk. I want a punk boyfriend. Unfortunately for me, most of the gay punks are anarcho punks, and I can't stand anarcho, so what's a boy to do? Am I being too picky? Should I settle for less? The perfect guy is not around, I've travelled in many circles, from San Bernandino to the San Fernando Valley, and everything in between, and zip, nada. 

As I'm getting older, should my standards get higher? Am I really getting wiser if my taste in guys remain the same? I'm getting confused, and lonelier by the second. I don't want to change my type, and I don't want to give a "monster" a try. I gave someone who wasn't my type a chance awhile ago, and that only lasted 2 days.  I'll just settle on being alone, and let "Prince Charming" come to me. Irregardless, in the past, I've never had a  problem waiting for a guy to come.

Wound Up

I started making out with this guy, and I didn't even know why since he wasn't typically my type. He was taller than me though, and I wanted someone to cuddle with, and I also was really drunk. At first he didn't let me kiss him, but that all changed once we got in the car. The way he kissed me, and the way he held me, it reminded me of someone that I used to care about, and I believe that's why I didn't stop him. He kept on flattering me with cute words like "I would tear you apart, trust," and "damn, your ass is out of this world." I hadn't felt so attractive in a long time. I felt special. We proceeded to make out by some bushes, and he started going to 2nd base. A couple passed by and some drunk girl started to cheer us on. We stopped. Unfortunately for me, we had to separate because we had to go home. I wanted to keep on making out with him, and he wanted to spend the night with me, but I didn't let him because my dad always freaks the fuck out when guys sleep over. A higher force must have been on my side because the morning after I found out he had a boyfriend. That explained why he told me not to leave him any marks while I kissed his neck. I felt disappointed. I felt fooled. I can't never really get what I want. Or something I don't.